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COMMON BLOCKS TO SELF-HELP AND GROWTH (Updated)
(c) Steve Mensing
The most common way to defeat resistance is to make a full commitment to do the self-help task and go ahead and do it at a set time regardless of how we initially feel.
Our feelings generally change as we get into the work and become absorbed. Granted some emotions are pretty overwhelming and painful at times. Facing them and doing the work begins to bring that overwhelm and pain down.
The most common blocks to self-help and growth are:
*Confusion. Some folks undergo confusion and are unable to focus when attempting to read self-help instructions or do processes. This is often part of performance anxiety. Staying with techniques and instructions generally leads to the confusion evaporating.
*Performance anxiety and demanding flawless performance. We pressure ourselves not to make mistakes. If we believe we must perform perfectly we may resist self-help because of the possibility of making mistakes. Mistakes and "learning experiences" may be viewed as failures. If our tasks fail then we magically become failures. Best to drop the shoulding and musting and negative self-labeling and go ahead and do what's to be done. We can stand the initial anxiety about making mistakes.
*Hopelessness: Here we view change as a hopeless task. We might believe we can't change or this will never work because I'm different. Or I lack what it takes so why bother. Here we have negative self-views that will likely make us give up before we even start or quit early on if we hit slow progress. To overcome negative predictions we take an experimental attitude. Let's see what actually happens after we did this new activity.
*A problem beyond our problem: Issues beyond something we're targeting, can thwart us in a hurry. How willing would we be to make a change, if it dropped a larger problem in our lap. Remember this problem beyond our problem better be integrated or negotiated. We can learn to accept ourselves under all circumstances.
*Choosing emotional issues and behavior which are a low priorities when there's more pressing and important issues. We best understand what's most important for us.
*Lack of Commitment: We better decide to commit to our changes and stick to them from start to finish. Without full commitment we will quit if the tide shifts. Folks making changes build their houses on the rock of commitment and not on the shifting sands of feelings.
*Easy: Here we believe change should be easy, natural, spontaneous, and without effort. Change does require time and effort. This can adventure can be fun--but it is work sometimes.
*Frustration Intolerance: Sometimes people stop working at change because they believe its too hard, too difficult, overwhelming, painful, boring, or can't be stood. We can learn to stand a great deal, especially when we are looking down the road at long term rewards. See our Learn-in on Low Frustration Tolerance.
*Unnaturalness: We often feel unnatural or uneasy when first making changes or or practicing a new skill or behavior. Naturalness comes with practice and habit.
*Flight into health, happiness, and love. Here we drop out of our self-help program when our mood elevates from getting involved in a romatic relationship, getting a big gain in some area, or our mood rises due to a new job or sudden money. We temporarily forget our challenges and don't follow through on our goals. Best to note that sudden surges in our mood doesn't mean it won't come down due to areas in need of repair.
*Seeing ourselves as deserving of our emotional plight. Like we're inherently no good ect or we're meant to be a victim. These negative self-labels need to be addressed.
*Denial or being emotionally dishonest with ourselves. We better look at what's going on inside and in our behavior. Because of self-denigration some folks unconsciously or consciously avoid things where they will dump on themselves and give themselves negative labels. Learning self-acceptance often makes it easier to face what we do without downing ourselves.
*Avoiding action. Taking action is the bottom line in growth. If we don't take action we're not really growing. Some people avoid direct confrontation by laying around doing palliative and relaxing short-term processes, yet never face the music in real life. They manipulate their moods for the short-term. Taking action demonstrates where someone is with an issue. If they are not taking action, then are stuck no matter how good they temporarily feel about some of their feelings.
*Self-view attack: Some of folks duck changes because they fear discovering something about themselves that might put them in a bad light or lead to failure of the process itself. It's not failure that's so bad, it's the abuse people might dump on ourselves afterwards.
*Guilt, self-blame, and suffering: If we believe we should feel guilt or suffer for what we've done, we're going to back off on change if it would lead to less guilt, self-blaming, and suffering. Self-acceptance is the key. See our Self-Acceptance Learn-in.
*Inspiration and the right mood: Here we think we need to feel inspired or in the right mood to do our self-help. If we wait for that we could wait a long time and not accomplish much. Sometimes we just have to set a time and follow through no matter what we're feeling. We don't have to obey our feelings and negative predictions--we can just get up and do what the situation requires. Pretty soon those millions of pac man secondaries vanish into the past and you feel the control of managing your life and the reward of getting where you wanted to go.
*Demand for certainty: Here we demand our self-help activities have guaranteed positive results before we undertake them. Nope! Actually few if any guaranteed outcomes exist. We have probable outcomes and we can raise that probability by doing what is required and learning from our slips and errors.
*Theorizing instead of taking action: here we focus on creating reasons why we did something instead of taking concrete action to overcome a challenge. Although it's fun and interesting to reason "after the fact" and come up with causes and explanations, searching out insights can blocks us from taking required action and making change. Some poeple actually demand to know the cause before they do anything about it. Factoid: We can make changes without ever having insight into the cause. Besides it's sort of silly when you recognize that many, many frameworks exist in which to view a problem and its so called causes.
*Payoffs: We get rewarded for our self-defeat--we might get financial reward or attention for something that isn't working in our lives. Find other ways to reward yourself without self-defeat.
*Demand for instant improvement: We might believe that without instant improvement, we will never improve. Quitting follows this belief. Instant is getting somewhat more accessible with some of the new processes, but you still better be ready for an uphill fight. Sometimes stuff gets blocked--and you have to wait it out and keep on doing what you need to do.
*Loss of Emotion: Some folks believe they might lose their ability to emote if they take up change processes. An unfounded belief.
*Loss of Creativity: Some people--I've known writers and artists who feared they would loose their creativity if they grew. Unfounded belief. Folks are usually more creative when they're emotionally free.
*Pseudo Fatigue. Here we start to feel very tired just before we're doing self-help work. The fatigue comes out of nowhere or it multiplies. The fatigue generally lifts after we get absorbed in a self-help activity.
*Having the same feeling or state of consciousness forever: This block comes from the notion that we might become frozen in a state of consciousness by doing altered states exploration. No one remains in any feeling or state forever. Our brain chemistry doesn't permit it.
*Going crazy: A close cousin of the previous block, this fear is based on the idea we could go crazy or lose control from doing certain kinds of therapeutic activities. Folks with this problem are likely to have suffered panic or trauma. They may require therapeutic support when they begin processing.
*A change in our relationship with others: If we use self-help and make changes in our emotional responses and behavior, we might face an alteration in our relationship with others. This change may have a negative meaning for us and we might feel uncomfortable with the resulting uncertainties. We can live with initial discomfort. It passes.
*Unclear Goals and Methods: Here we lack clarity about our objectives and self-help methods. Without clear and specific targets, we won't be motivated for the task of self-help. And without a solid knowledge of self-help procedures we will not know how to effectively go about making changes. Most of us would resist driving to a mystery destination in a car lacking windows and a steering wheel.
*Too Busy: I don't have the time--I'm too busy! We can locate time for high priorities in our lives.
*Magical thinking: Change should occur by just thinking about it or by sending affirmations into the ether. Change occurs through action and not wishful thinking and inaction.
*Self-sabotage: Skipping sessions with yourself. Forgetting. Altering processes. Contacting others for their opinions or for negative support to sabotage making changes. Not setting times aside. Getting high prior to a session. Escaping into a romantic high and thinking all your problems have been solved. Not making self-help a higher priority. Jumping from one process to another instead of learning one or two and mastering them. Dropping out of self-processing when you don't get immediate results. Picking an extremely difficult problem for your first bout of processing and then quitting when you didn't get quick results.
*If we're in a near chronic state of upsetness: this can intrude on growth. Find a time when you're not too caught up and do what needs to be done.
*Need for approval. We believe we must remain as we are or we'll lose someone's approval. If we're in emotional pain and our lide is greatly curtailed by emotional and behavioral challenges we have to weigh that against losing someone's approval. We can learn to approve of and accept ourselves regardless how another thinks. See the Self-Acceptance Learn-in.
*Oppositionalism: This seldom rears its head in self-help, but it could. We may thwart growth if we are being urged by someone to grow. There's no need to oppose. We always have a choice whether we prefer to do the work or not.
*Procrastination: Most of us know this one. Procrastination offers a lot of targets. See the Learn-in on Procrastination. We can always unhook from our current feeling state and get up and do an activity no matter what we're initially feeling.
*Using palliative and pseudo-integation processes that create only temporary relaxation and endorphin blocking, yet no real change in our issues, our beliefs, and in our behavior. This blocks real growth.
*The poor habit of feelings avoidance. Many emotional difficulties have their roots in avoiding emotions and feelings because they feel initially uncomfortable or sometimes overwhelming. Through exposing ourselves to uncomfortable feelings we begin to desensitize them and are less at their mercy. All feeling desensitize or become integrated when fully experienced.
Have fun, Steve