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People Pleasing
Ellen asks: "I'm too anxious to please and people walk over me. What might I do here?"
Ellen you describe what may be occurring in two Personality Clusters: "Overly Pleasing" and "Sacrifice".
In the "Overly Pleasing" cluster we surrender control to others because we fear being emotionally abandoned or others becoming angry with us. Here we might suppress our anger, desires, emotions, and decisions. We can feel trapped when we are caught up this cluster of beliefs. This cluster is fear motivated.
The other cluster you may have engaged here is the "Sacrifice" Personality Cluster. This cluster gives us a sense of giving up our own needs for the needs of others. We do this to avoid feeling selfish or creating pain for others. This can lead to our resentment. This cluster is guilt driven.
In the dilemma you express, you seem controlled by the persons around you. You likely believe you should please others. There is an underlying experience of trappedness there. You may be running here and there attempting to meet others needs and forgetting about your own. They're way down the priority list. Your sense of choice and freedom are split off. This outlook can erase a clear sense of what you want and require in life. Your focus is outward to others and you may have a blind spot for your wants and requirements. They may sneak up on you all at once and then resentment might hit in an outburst. This is usually the way it happens.
Assertiveness may be an unspoken language for you. You sit and sit on your desires and then suddenly an explosion. You may have long drifting periods of depression because you sense no control over your world.
If I'm off here, correct me.
You may have had some of these patterns running back into your childhood. You may have experienced a lot of responsibility for the emotional or physical well-being of a parent or sibling. This often occurs in families where substance abuse, chronic illness, and depression show up. You are likely very empathic.
Another issue here may be a sense of choiceless awareness stemming from an underlying feeling that we have no real choice. This suppression may have been brought about by the threat of abandonment or emotional abandonment or severe punishment.
In brief these are the sources of "Overly Pleasing" and "Sacrifice":
*If you didn't do what your parents demanded--you faced severe anger and punishment.
*You took care of your family in your parents absence.
*You experienced resentment toward your parents for not allowing you choices.
* You faced being dominated or controlled.
*You were cast in the role of the family "ear".
*You tiptoed around your parents anger, depression, psychosis, or addiction.
*You got called selfish for expressing simple wants and needs.
*Parental communications shut down if you disagreed with them.
Typical situations that occur in the two Personality clusters are:
*You shy from disagreements with others.
*You avoid direct confrontation.
You may not be able to figure out what you want.
*You don't stick up for yourself.
*You are overly pleasing.
*Decisions are extremely difficult.
*You care for others.
*You may have trouble with authority figures.
*You don't ask for what you want.
*You remain where you feel trapped.
*You overdo responsibilities.
*You feel guilty about much.
Here are the Personality Clusters: Overly Pleasing and Sacrifice:
OVERLY PLEASING: Here we surrender control to others because we fear abandonment or anger. We might suppress our anger, desires, emotions, and decisions. We may feel trapped. The beliefs are:
*I'm inviting trouble if I ask for something.
*I let others be the boss.
*I let others have their way because I don't want trouble.
*I'll get rejected if I don't give in.
*I don't know what I want so I let others make choices for me.
*Others make decisions for me.
*Others will leave me if I don't please them.
*I can't ask for what I want--I'm too scared something might happen.
*It's easier to avoid confrontations.
*I avoid my anger by getting back at people in hidden ways.
SACRIFICE: This cluster gives us a sense of giving up our own needs for the needs of others. We do this to avoid feeling selfish or creating pain for others. This can lead to our resentment. Beliefs are:
*I feel guilty if I don't put others needs before mine.
*I give more than I get back.
*I don't like to let others down.
*I always take care of my loved ones.
*I'm a good person because I put others first.
*I always volunteer for overtime.
*I set important things aside so that I can please others.
*I don't need much or ask for much.v *My happiness depends on others being happy.
*I don't have time for myself because I'm so busy taking care of others.
*I always listen to people's problems.
*I never seem to provide enough.
*I wouldn't be such a good person if I didn't give so much.
*It's far better to give than to receive.
*I feel bad if I do what I want.
*I can't ask to have my needs met.
The above beliefs and their attendant feelings can be targeted for clearing and releasing.
In order to assist yourself in moving out of these two clusters you may want to:
*Take some classes in assertiveness.
*Learn to take credit for things you do.
*Bring your attention to your own preferences and needs and see how you can address them.
*Delegate responsibility at home and at work.
*Practice confrontation. Challenge others opinions.
*Step around people who are self-centered and hook up with those who have your interests at heart.
*Ask for help if you require it.
*Keep a list of areas in your life where you are overly pleasing or sacrificing.
Take care, Steve